Your Spouse Must Build a Strong Foundation
by childless stepparent
When you marry someone with children from a previous marriage, you enter into relationships that you have no control over. The dynamics between your husband and his former wife and children have nothing to do with you. You cannot change these relationships, you cannot even manage them. That’s up to your husband.
It is his responsibility to create healthy boundaries with his former wife. It is his responsibility to set expectations with his children. It is his responsibility to require that you be treated with respect.
If this strong foundation has not been put in place by your spouse, you will suffer. Most likely, you will step in and try to manage things. Your spouse will feel caught in the middle, your stepchildren will resent you, and you will end up feeling powerless. Because in the end, these are not your relationships to manage.
The relationship you can manage is the one with your spouse. Talk with him. Listen to him. Help him figure out how to set healthy boundaries with his former wife. Support him in his role as dad so he can communicate clear expectations to his children.
Then step back, breathe, and let go.
Manifesto #1 | I am a childless stepparent. My stepchild has two involved parents. I don’t need to take on a parenting role.
Manifesto #5 | Whatever dynamic exists between my husband and his former wife does not involve me. They must work together for their child’s benefit.
Childless Stepparent 
I love your blog. Most of it resonates with me. However, I struggle with the concept that your husband and his former’s relationship does not involve you. Often in my dynamic, my husbands former wife retaliates just to make our life inconvenient. The two of them being unable to come to agreement on issues such as transportation or occasional scheduling conflicts, directly affect our schedule and therefore my life. I wish I could let go and say it doesn’t impact me, but it does. Still trying to figure out a way to let it go, but it hasn’t happened.
Anne, first of all – welcome! That’s really nice of you to say. I’m so glad you’re here. Every comment from a stepparent like you makes me feel less alone through all this, so thank you for that.
As for the fact that my husband’s relationship with his former wife does not involve me . . . well, as today’s post attests, I’ve struggled with this more than anything else.
What I’m trying to let go of is my ego wanting to get in there and tell my husband how to manage his relationship with his former wife. But – and this is a big but! – you’re absolutely right. There are tangible things – most of them involving financial and schedule arrangements – that directly impact my life. Those things I do get involved in. I discuss them with my husband and he takes it from there. Even then, it’s hard. But for my own peace of mind, I have to step back, breathe, and let go.
Please continue sharing your thoughts!
I think our biggest issue is that we don’t have 2 involved parents. What we have is a dad and me, the stepmom, and then a biological mom who changes with the tide. We’ll say “We’re signing M up for soccer, she wants to play.” On Monday, that’s fine, as long as we pay, on Tuesday, we’re controlling terrible people, on Wednesday, how could we do this without telling her (because she’ll swear up and down we never told her). My husband and I agree on what we should do to parent but we face resistance at every turn, so how does one deal with that?
Betsy, that’s really hard. I’ve experienced some of that as well, with my husband’s former wife. I wrote about how difficult it can be and what I’ve done to deal with it: http://wp.me/p2ZTeM-75
I’m curious to know if you find yourself stepping into a parental role since the mom is not involved? I can see how that would bring its own challenges; sometimes I think that might make my situation easier. Hard to say.
I’m glad that you and your husband are on the same page – that’s so important. And I’m glad you’re here. Please do come back and share your thoughts.